I haven’t asked myself things in a very long time. Where am I ? Where will I go and what is it that lies in front of me right now?. I didn’t know much about love or death or both. I don’t have to close my eyes to have a dream and a nightmare flashing inside my brain. Neither do I have to sleep to go into some other world. No matter how many worlds there are for me , none are complete.
I was walking down the stairs when something called me. It wasn’t a sound, it was the breeze and it called me. Everything was so silent. It was what people call the calm before the storm. I unlocked the door and started wearing my boots to keep my feet warm. There was a sun somewhere in the sky but the houses of downtown were selfish and kept it to themselves.
I straightened my back and started walking towards the main gate. I lived in a place where you could see inside your neighbors house from a distance. My parents had taught me to never eavesdrop on someone’s life but now I think its all wrong. Instead, I should have pasted my ears on the walls of my neighbors. I was sixteen and never in love with anyone else other than my mother. I walked slowly and silently following the breeze that somehow knew my name. In an instance I came to a point when my name wasn’t being called anymore. It was near the flower bed which I myself was taking care of.
When I looked around for the breeze I found nothing. I looked again and still nothing. When I looked the third time I saw a girl. It looked like as if the breeze had taken a shape for me. Her hair wasn’t still unlike her body. The body was standing erect from toes to head. Her eyes were looking away and her hands were clenching her dress. I had to narrow my eyes to look at her face much clearly. I shouldn’t have done that. Its still on my eyelashes. Her beautiful skin and her untidy hair. I kept watching her, in hope that she would look at me but she seemed so lost in the walls of her house. Now, I think the walls were speaking to her.
My mother used to sing to me a song every night before I slept. it said;
” If I’d seen you on the moon I would never ask it to shine againBut then what shall I do with my candles without their flames?”
I never understood what it meant and my mother would always tell me I would come to know. I admire how well my mother saw my future. It had been over an hour of her eyes staring the wall and mine staring her, but both of us weren’t tired. When I was a child I was never allowed to play with my friends in the colony. That’s why they never lasted more than a day but looking at her I felt I could make-whatever this is- last. I never knew her name and I am sure she didn’t know mine either. she looked my age and we shared a zit on the same place.
I had been standing there looking like a fool for more than 2 hours and I didn’t understand the reason of me tiring my legs for some stranger on her stairs. Her house had an open-air floor. That is how I could see all of her body covered in a dull, grey, linen dress. I remember I thought to myself ” How good will a bride look in that dress?”. after the thought crossed my mind I was curious why she reminded me of a bride. I was seeing her from a distance and she wasn’t blurry for a second. Some feelings do wonders to senses. They either make you blind or give a clearer vision.
When my legs had started to hurt I decided to give up and go back to my room and sit there. While I was walking towards the door my legs stopped moving and my limbs became involuntary like my heart. I knew I wouldn’t need moons and candles anymore to light things up.
So I came back with a chair and sat down for another hour. I stared her and for another reckless hour she made love with walls ,with her eyes.
I was jealous. I even got up once to look if there was someone standing, some lover of hers but I found bare ,naked walls. but the thought of her never turning her head never left mine even for a second. How much love messes with the nerves .The things supposed to feel brave, feel cowardly. I don’t think I was going to give up seeing that face. Although she was my neighbor I had seen her for the first time. Me and my family had heard many voices coming from her house but I never knew one of them was hers. I never gave thought to the voices until then. Now I craved the noise that came from her home. I wanted to figure out which one was hers. I would have a sound to go with the face.
The sun was starting to set and my legs -even though I was sitting- started to feel tired and numb. But I didn’t leave her, because I couldn’t. It started to seem a bit weird the way she was standing on the stairs just to stare a wall and she hadn’t moved for a very long time. I got worried and amazed at the same time. With old strength, I fought my new found loves shyness and decided to confront her. I coughed as any other gentlemen would have done. She didn’t listen. My tongue screamed “excuse me” and she kept looking at the wall. I waved my hand a few times but she didn’t react .
I thought I was literally seeing a breeze or some kind of ghost. Still I kept waving and I was lost in thoughts when she turned her head. her body moved and synced with her hair. She looked me right in the eyes and my mothers lullaby echoed in my ear. The girl on the stairs looked at me and let out a breath, softly. I heard it. she smiled and walked towards the balcony of her house. I thought she was coming closer to me. She kept her hands on the grill and her eyes in mine. She smiled and she jumped.
I am standing on the same stair. With her dress in my hand that I stole from her cupboard. I had to trespass in the middle of the night to her house. My mothers lullaby never stopped playing in my ear. The smile and breath of the girl on the stairs is still in my head and I envy the wall for having heard her last thoughts. I fell for the girl and she fell for something else. I lost moons, candles and my love that night and when you loose love and find love on the same day. Your heart becomes weak to love again. I realized today that she was a breeze indeed. She came and she went. What else can do that?.
I do have answers today , to questions that I keep asking myself. I am standing on my lovers land with hands on her balcony’s fence .I am going to see her today and finally hear her name without mourns and what lies in front of me is love in death.